The Perfection in being Imperfect

I ache to see the perfection God sees in me someday ~KR

I cannot trace back to when it started—

That insatiable hunger of living up to ridiculous standards that are not mine.

Neither can I trace the core root of these standards.

Perfect... What does that word mean? After I wrote a piece on 'How loud is your silence?' I took time to think, write, and reflect. Before I knew it, I had 26 drafts of unpublished blog posts.

I was also reminded of Billy Joel's words, 'Slow down you're doing fine. Though you can see when you're wrong, you can't always see when you're right.' I thought about who I looked for to be my mirror to see my reflection.

Catching a break has always been a suggestion and so has being the author of my own life.

Struggling with placing people before you, doing your best the fastest, and being well ahead of the rest. All I have learned is that you crash and burn.

Philosophy taught me that I may have an issue with accepting myself as I am.

Not as Samita but as a human being.

Self-acceptance is a simple word but there's a world to discover through it.

Accepting oneself starts with recognizing how limited one is as a human being.

I am a limited and finite being, so I am naturally bound to have flaws.

Flaws mean imperfection and there is a possibility of being perfect at those imperfections.

I know how that sounds but hear me out. Virtue is one way.

I like to think of it as a tool that helps man keep a kind of balance.

I've thought about what it could mean to be imperfectly Samita let alone a human being.

It is essential to understand the kind of person I am and then work backward.

Understanding myself gives chance to grow in intimacy with myself before I do the same with others.

What should I do first to give others what I am capable of giving myself without taking from myself?

I grew a habit of questioning the world around me (which is good)

I never examined my reactions, my reactions, or the possibilities of my contribution.

The blame game has always been ideal in evading the moral responsibility of recognizing the part one plays in the problem.

I never asked to what end I tried to achieve my ambitions or dreams.

I just chased.

The vigor of doing better and being better mattered most.

It led me to place ridiculous expectations on myself.

This idea came from a place that did not recognize how good or enough I already am.

I have always wondered what could happen if I let go of the unnecessary load in my life.

What could happen if I prioritized myself or did not try to be what others say I am and search in silence for who I am?

Moments of vulnerability are good but tough.

In a world filled with noise, everyone has an opinion of who you are and should be.

Suddenly, they become the loudest voice in defining who you should be.

Not who you are, but who you should be.

I needed to realize that I should not feel broken because I am not broken.

I never was in the first place.

I let others define what 'broken' looks like. I missed the chance to define and see my wholeness first.

It led me to see what was whole as broken and viewed 'broken' as imperfect.

I learned to not have tried to fix something that was never broken in the first place.

It definitely dims the beauty of what already is.

It has always been about perspective and it is okay to have gotten it wrong from others.

Now I have the responsibility of distinguishing whose voice to listen to.

Learning who God is has been liberating.

Realizing this magnanimous being is above all this makes my problems seem minute and unimportant.

There's something about focusing on more than 's/he said' or any other superficial details.

I hope to not know what perfection is as a human being.

Knowing that God is the standard of what is perfect is enough for me.

I then recognize my capacity for perfection amid my imperfections because I come from Him.

I found joy in being fragile, vulnerable, and imperfectly perfect at being a human being.

I am on a journey to be who God called me to be which I deem to be more fulfilling. It's like a blur that feels beyond my reach from where I am but that is where I find excitement.

It feels like a journey filled with adventure and I love adventure.

I am happy I wound up here by seeing the perfections in my imperfect self for I will never be enough for this world—

Not with standards set by man.

Nothing but cocoa love,

Sam 🌼