Time-starved era

'You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day' ~Billy Joel

It is more than feeling like time is slipping from your grasp. It is more like you have no time for anything.

To feel, to process, to be —

Rather than moving through the motions.

I understand this as a consequence of not having control over how you live out your days or what you do with your time.

Once again, if you do not personally choose, someone else will! I glamorized the idea of having a busy to-do list.

I thought it was the best way to organize my day. I quickly realized it never worked for me…Not because to-do lists are wrong to keep rather, I overlooked the vital understanding of priorities. Or should I say priority? The first mistake was a lack of understanding of what could be done within 24 hours.

The second was not recognizing how to say no to things that were not worth my time. I was growing in underproductivity and feeling like I was a failure.

I was knee-deep at the idea of needing to sample everything.

I never had the time to stop, think, and reflect on what I wanted to achieve. Despite it being a negative, it worked well in diversifying my experience. Gradually, time became something I did not internalize. I just existed for the day.

I existed for the to-do list. I existed for the idea of constantly being in motion.

I thought this is how everyone lives­—to be constantly in the rat race.

I feared missing out on something if I did not fall in line.

Despite having my doubts and struggles around this, I still caved into what society built— A fast-food model of living... I simply did not have time for anything.

I was constantly in motion but I did not pause at any given point until the moment I crashed and burned. I thought I had to crash and burn to pause.

Unhealthy? Very much so!

For many moments my conscience screamed back at me and I thought that maybe... just maybe if I persevere, something will come out of it. LIE!

I placed so much faith in this system, one that was not mine nor one I reflected upon.

Now this put my sanity, and my health on the line. It was a cost I paid for trying to be something else and living up to an external standard.

It’s funny what being part of the crowd does to you. I did not have time for what was essential but had time for social media and empty conversations that drained me and added no value to my life. I busied myself to live as an empty shell and a version of a person I did not recognize when I was alone with my pen and paper.

Understanding the good things I could experience, I failed to see the truly greater things that mattered. I constantly failed to understand what time means and how special it is, to sieve between what is essential and what is not.

Losing oneself in the endless circles that turn to knots, life becomes stuffy.

I lost sight of what matters and was thrown into a cycle where everything felt so important. I gave society the power to make choices for me in my place. I lost myself. I forgot my capabilities and my achievements. I became just one more in the crowd on most days. Only when I paused to reflect did I see things for what they are.

I lost time to blog, listen to myself, and do the things I enjoyed and loved.

I lost it trying to justify why I still stayed and lost track of what I did with my time.

I stayed in a pit of denial and justification.

I heard myself but never once listened to myself.

Discerning that difference was my revelation of being time-starved.

This goes beyond what I would like to admit but I hope this resonates with someone. There are moments when my life becomes filled with other opinions and choices.

I have constantly caught myself indulging in things I never cared about.

Reading about Essentialism, I understand the mindlessness loop. Staying in a cycle where everything feels vital, you forget yourself and your power to choose for yourself. Before the world weighs you down, choose how to use your time.

It is yours anyway- you do not need validation or permission to use it.

So, do not lose yourself in the balance of sacrificing yourself.

Nothing but cocoa love,

Sam 🌼