Session 20

I wrote and rewrote this blog post.

I wrote down all the possibilities of what other people would think of it.

In the end, I never posted as soon as I should have.

Candid conversations with good friends led me to realize how I put other people's opinions above mine. Moreover, how much I live in my thoughts.

Did I mention the unsettling emotion that it will not be good?

Anywho.....

This led to subsequent discoveries about myself.

I buried my emotions six feet under and chartered a different path.

I have been on a quest on answering what being human means, more so, to me.

I spent my teenage years mimicking what other people did just to fit in.

I lost myself in other people's actions and became I became a mirror, a sponge.

I think it was a little unfortunate to put the child in me through that.

I do not believe I lost my identity but I deprived myself of freedom of self-expression for a very long time. I ignored all the signs and I guess I was afraid to be alone because I was cultured to think being alone was such a bad thing.

With time, I learned, there was a difference between lonely and being alone.

I liked being alone but I was never lonely.

Right in the middle of a philosophy class (of course), something hit me hard.

The 'aha' moment does not do justice to describe that feeling.

In the middle of a conversation about transcendentals, human destiny, and love, a funny thought crossed my mind.

As love is the basis of most emotions, I think I denied myself every right to feel that emotion towards myself and the world around me.

Maybe some parts of me were so broken that I did not realize what I gave other people, everything else around me was love but I completely forgot about myself.

I knew love translated to romantic love- a poor introduction to what love really is.

Love -as Augustine defined it- is a radical act of the will.

This looks like loving someone or something because you will love it.

Not because society or voices around you tell you how you should love

But the very depths of your core wills it.

Being human means feeling all my emotions, and letting go of people, and situations that do not serve me. Feeling, hurting, being vulnerable, and finding a way to live again.

I remained feeling and hurting but I never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough.

Being vulnerable meant I would get hurt.

I've met people who made me realize I had a terrible set of friends.

I'm still grateful for that because I can finally start healing and find a way to be alive again.

My biggest lesson from this experience is that I love wholesomely.

It's dangerous and sometimes leaves me on the edge but I also love how I love.

I want to learn how to start loving again.

Love life, people, nature, and all the little things that come with life.

I hope you can find meaning in life if you have not, feel the love, and joy that comes with the festive season.

Nothing but cocoa love,

Sam 🌻

Happy Holidays! 🎄

Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature. ~Mahatma Gandhi