2. It is personal.

Jehovah; He Causes To Become.

My pursuit for more knowledge of who God is and what He means to me has gotten me this far. I do not have an inspirational story with a perfect ending or conclusion. It is all becoming. Ever since I took up responsibility for drastic life changes, I needed to embark on a personal journey.

I wanted to own it and be conscious of every step I took because this would be the chapter I write with my own ink.

I believe in inner voices and the universe communicating with us. After all, we live in it and it lived before us. I am a romantic and a deep thinker in general. I spend most of my hours thinking about the kind of tales the rocks, oceans, and trees have to tell. What the soil beneath my feet has to say about humanity. I lost all hope in humanity, religion, and its institutions. I was always thinking about why I was branded a sinner- I did not necessarily want myself here so, why? If God is all-knowing, did He not pre-empt that human beings are a bad idea and that we are such a terrible species that ravage anything and everything? If He is the God of the misfortunate and abandoned, why do people suffer? Why do bad things happen to good people? Heck, why do bad people seem to have the longest life span? I was bitter and spiteful. My thoughts and tongue were laced with poison and bitterness. At times, I thought I threw back what the world fed me, but sheer curiosity is all it was. I did not have someone to tell me what I thought was human. Neither did I have someone to applaud my very normal human feelings. Every time I spoke or asked a watered-down version of what I wanted to know, I was met with extreme responses. "Go for confession. Talk to Him in prayer. Have faith in Him! Read the Bible more often. You need to be prayed for." It felt like no one understood what I was trying to say. All I learned and perfected was biting my tongue and conformity to societal rules. It is what good Christian girls do; they listen and they do not question.🧚🏽‍♀️hehe🧚🏽‍♀️ I HATED THAT! It was like telling me to cave in, camouflage with the crowd, and live up to the expectations of other people, of the church. I am not too sure if I knew it but I reacted negatively to normalcy and hypocrisy. I must say, growing up is bittersweet but I savored it all.

I slowly began reflecting, questioning, losing, and gaining faith at every turn. It was messy.

I did more and more research and it was like a revolution started in me. I believe in little voices because they got me this far. (and no, I am not possessed.) It personalized so much more in my life than shallow, watered down, and passed down ideas of who and what God is. I wanted to know and learn who this God is. Why does everyone talk about Him? Who is His son? Why'd he die? What is in His word? (except the gospels and famous stories.) Who is this dude called Satan?! I had a lot of existential crises outside religion. I wanted to know why I was here and why I existed. Why did the world suck so much and why are human beings so conniving? What is the point of all of this if we are going to die anyway? Why, why, why, why! One day, (yes, very ambiguous I know but!) one day... I wondered, "I am so busy questioning, seeking, and pouring my heart, body, mind, and soul asking about other people. What about me? Why do I look elsewhere to satisfy my curiosity? What about me?" For one reason or another, I remembered something from a verse; something Jesus said. "Why then, do you look at the straw in your brother's eye but do not notice the rafter in your own eye." (Matthew 7:3) "Stop judging that you may not be judged; for with the judgment you are judging, you will be judged and with the measure you are measuring out, they will measure out to you." (Matthew 7:1-2) Ngl, that is some philosophy right there... Aside from the fact that it is from the Bible. If read it from an IG post, I'd go, 'WORD!' Then screenshot it. Jesus was one mad philosopher... Now imagine Jehovah... ANYWHO!! What I was throwing out there is exactly what I was fed in return. That was one thing I did not understand. Never in my life have I felt so so humbled. I was glad I was humbled. Grateful for it!

Journaling here and there about my thoughts made me realize I was no different if I went around judging people. I did not know better. I was not taught better. At that moment, I realized I perfected the art of mirroring everything I got from society, placed myself on a pedestal, and went around nitpicking on anything and everything but myself. Hypocrisy. It is real. I did it more often than not.

I did the exact same thing that was done to me without realizing it. I realized the importance of reflecting and thinking by the time I was 16. Nothing but cocoa love,

Sam.🌻